D-Squad Trek Through St Louis!
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: Colonel Gascon and the droids of D-Squad crash land on Earth in the middle of St. Louis City. The mechs scatter to explore the city, while Wack, Beezee, and the little Colonel band together to do their own searching for help to get back to their own galaxy.
1. Let's Explore

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Star Wars: The Clone Wars_. Dave Filoni and Disney do.

* * *

The wreckage of D-Squad's latest ship was where they were a moment ago. Now, it was as if they had walked through a hole created by a magic marker when they exited the ship. Needless to say, Colonel Gascon was not thrilled by this sudden turn of events. R2-D2 had strolled out of the hatch almost immediately, him always being the bravest of the droids, and the most determined to finish a mission. QT-KT, U9-C4, and M5-BZ had followed his lead, as usual, and WAC-47 was being his usual enthusiastic self with an annoying attitude.

"Oh, boy!" said Wack, "It looks like we have landed in a most extraordinary city, doesn't it, Colonel?"

"Extraordinary?" said a disbelieving Gascon. "This city's only a little better to look at than Pons Ora had been! Do you have any information on this place, Artoo?"

Artoo activated his film projector and showed off the readings of his scan. Gascon looked at it and said, "Just as I thought! All it says is, 'Saint Louis City, Gateway to the West, America, Earth.' What kind of a name for a planet is 'Earth,' anyway? And what do they mean by the gateway to the west?"

Ceefor suggested that the Colonel turn around and look at the nearby steel arch set into the ground by a great river, saying that it might be the gate.

"I _know_ that there's an arch over there, Ceefor," he said disgustedly, "and that it looks like a gate. I mean, which way is west, and which way is east? And why would it be called that, anyway? Is this 'St. Louis' smack in the middle of a nation?"

Artoo beeped and whistled. Wack said, "It must be the middle of this nation we are in. And west is the opposite direction from where the sun is rising."

Gascon put his head in his hands. "As usual, you droids have a flair for the obvious. You soldiers _still_ don't know what I'm talking about, do you?"

The mechs all trilled their own responses. Wack said, "We all agree that perhaps, you do not know what you are talking about either, Colonel."

"What? I-?" Gascon fought to control himself. "Fine, then! Let's just forget about the minutiae and find a way to get off of here as soon as possible!"

Artoo made a suggestion to his fellow droids. Then, to Gascon's surprise and horror, the droids, except for Beezee and Wack, suddenly split up and began to go their own ways. Gascon gaped.

"Wha-? Where do they think they're going?" he demanded of the two remaining droids.

"Artoo says that since this is a whole city full of locales and citizens, and we have never been to it before in our lives, it would be best to split up and search for some help individually," said Wack. "And he also says that it is a fun way to get to know a strange new place. Artoo always was adventuresome. If only he could see that I would make a better leader than him."

"He thinks we should split up?" stammered Gascon. "But we should be sticking together! Who knows what sort of troubles we might run into here, especially after our time on Abafar? And why waste time having fun, too? We're not on vacation here!"

"I am afraid Artoo said that after the way you and I behaved in the Void, our training and programming cannot be trusted to lead us out of trouble anymore, Colonel," said Wack, "And he said that since we're not on a specific mission right now, we can afford to look around town a little while we look for help. I only wish that Artoo would stop ridiculing my intellect. Oh, and that Qutee would become wise to my charms. She is so sweet!"

Gascon looked disgusted once more, but consented to Artoo's abrupt plan. "Fine," he said, "Seeing as Artoo, Qutee, and Ceefor have already left, let's go. But _I'm_ not going to go it all by my lonesome. I'm going to ride in Beezee, so no careless person squashes me, and as annoying as you can be sometimes, Corporal, I want you to stay by my side, too. It's easier and faster to understand your Basic than it is to understand Beezee's Binary."

"Yes sir, Colonel!" Wack saluted him. "I am right with you, all the way!"

"Good," said the Colonel, "Beezee, pop your top. We're going for a little ride around this city they call St. Louis."


	2. The Tale of Ceefor

**_The Tale of Ceefor_**

* * *

So each of the droids went their separate ways. They didn't know it yet, but they had landed in an isolated part of Forest Park. R-5 unit Unine-Ceefor chose to explore the park he was in, feeling more comfortable in a quiet and peaceful place like a forest. He rolled along, enjoying the looks of the trees and bushes, but wondering where he would find help in a place like this.

As he journeyed among the trees, he soon came upon a vast, closed-in area where humans of all ages were walking in and out of. The entrance he had found was a medium-sized building called "The Living World," and there was a sign that said "Welcome to the Saint Louis Zoo." A zoo? This looked interesting to Ceefor. Watching animals in captivity was always a favorite pastime of his.

So he wheeled inside the sliding doors of the Living World and maneuvered around the excited people, sometimes jostling them if they didn't get out of his way fast enough. Some of them cursed the "strange robot" and discussed whether or not to report this machine to the zoo police. Ceefor burbled fearfully, and decided to behave himself a little more.

Inside the zoo, he scanned the surrounding area for the locations of the different kinds of animals. He decided in the end to just wing it, and checked out whatever crossed his path.

At the Red Rocks, Ceefor found some interesting beasts that either slept in the sun or grazed on grass. There were a variety of grazers that he identified as impala, giraffes, and tapirs, as well as resting predators like lions and leopards. He also found the Jungle of the Apes, where the chimps, gorillas, and orangutans acted remarkably like primitive humans. Ceefor didn't fail to notice that the humans of Earth evolved from apes millions of Earth years ago.

While puttering through the 1904 Flight Cage, Ceefor used his filming photoreceptor to make a recording of the flight of the birds kept in the cage. In fact, he had secretly filmed every animal he had seen so far. He hoped to take them back to Coruscant and show some interested people in the Republic what Earth wildlife was like. He even took a trip through the refrigerated penguin exhibit, using his headlight photoreceptors to make it easier for him to see, which, needless to say, annoyed some of the more proper visitors.

Immediately after the penguins, he passed by the bear pits. A grizzly bear seemed unusually active, even for a bear in captivity. Curious, Ceefor wheeled up to the wooden guardrail and filmed the bear's antics.

Suddenly, the bear, which must have heard Ceefor's warbling, looked directly at Ceefor. Evidently, the foreign machine was irritating the bear. Then, without warning, the bear made a mighty leap across the gap between its pit and the guardrail, and tried to tackle Ceefor. People screamed and backed away as fast as they could. Ceefor was, of course, screaming himself, but he always knew how to defend himself, and he extended his laser cutter. Once again forgetting to lock himself in position, he fired the laser at the angered bear. The laser just grazed the left side of the bear's torso, and it fell with a raging bellow back into the pit. Ceefor, meanwhile, due to not locking himself down, went flying backwards and right into a young man who just came to the zoo to have a good time.

A zookeeper hurried onto the scene. Noticing the injured bear, he was relieved that it wasn't fatally injured, as long as it was treated as fast as possible, but he demanded of the people, "What happened here? Was one of you responsible for this? Who was it?"

Many of them looked pointedly at Ceefor, who now was dizzily wheeling over towards the zookeeper at speed. He beeped guiltily at the man. The zookeeper didn't fail to notice the strange laser cutter poking out of one of the little hatches on the droid's rounded body.

"Who let this robot in here?" he wanted to know. "Robots are not allowed on zoo property!"

The people shrugged, indicating that none of them were responsible for letting this thing into the zoo. Ceefor balked loudly at being called a "robot." "Droid" was a much more respectable term for an artificial sentient such as himself.

Suddenly, another zookeeper came along and observed what had happened. The first zookeeper ordered him to take care of the grizzly bear immediately, while he took this robot outside the zoo grounds. Then he lifted up Ceefor, a difficult thing to do because astromechs were so heavy, and took him to the northeast entrance/exit.

Once there, he put down Ceefor and told the droid not to even consider coming back inside the zoo, or he'd call the police, and then returned to his duties in the zoo. Ceefor was too timid to say it to the zookeeper's face, which was surprising because the zookeeper couldn't understand Binary, but behind his back, Ceefor remarked in his beeping language: WELL, WHAT A FINE HOW-DO-YOU-DO! I HOPE YOU BECOME BANTHA FODDER SOMEDAY!

Disappointed that he couldn't explore the zoo anymore, Ceefor scanned the nearby areas of Forest Park and found out that there was a horticulture structure made of glass called the Jewel Box, with all kinds of beautiful flowers, and the St. Louis Art Museum, too. He decided to try the museum first.

The Art Museum was very impressive, with all of its artwork on the walls. Ceefor particularly liked the "Along the River" gallery, with regional paintings of rivers and prairies that captured the spirit of the Great Plains adventure, as he soon learned.

After he was finished here, the Jewel Box would be next...


	3. The Tale of Qutee

_**The Tale of Qutee**_

* * *

While Ceefor was taking in the sights and sounds of Forest Park, R2-unit Qutee had gone downtown to see if there was anything exciting there, or at least someone who could assist D-Squad with their return journey. She rolled down the streets, on the sidewalk, of course, observing all the people walking along doing their own things.

A mother and her son on the sidewalk looked curiously at Qutee as she strolled past them. A young man with a satchel squinted at her as if he had never seen a droid before. Qutee wasn't sure she altogether liked the attention she was getting, and became a little shy of asking anyone for help. If only there was a place around here where she could find some friendlier people!

She continued to travel and look around. She also didn't like the way that so many of the downtown buildings were an old, ugly shade of brown or gray, and not just because of their ugliness. Her pink paint job stuck out like a sore thumb against the buildings, and once again, people looked at her as if she didn't belong. Then, finally, she came upon a more welcoming sight.

There was a brighter colored building with a sign that said, in large, colorful letters, "City Museum." Curious, she went to explore. Closer up, she saw a pit full of multi-colored balls with children playing in it. She didn't know it, but that was the Baby Bob Ball Pit, and this place was, indeed, the City Museum. She looked up and could see that there was some kind of yellow bus with wheels hanging over the edge a little. Qutee couldn't resist. She _had_ to go inside.

Inside, she saw the most amazing place she had ever seen in her artificial life. Besides the lobby and the ticket booth, there were treehouses, a slide that that came down from who-knew-where, artificial caves, and a gift shop. There were also twisting staircases that led to the upper levels of the museum, and on the mezzanine, a little restaurant called "Samwiches in the city." Qutee was dazzled by the experience. She just had to spend some time getting in some fun and games at this place!

She went inside the gift shop first. A lot of the stuff she found was clothing for humans, while some other stuff included puzzles and toys. She wasn't sure if any of it was her kind of stuff. However, before leaving, she spotted a piece of jewelry that really caught her eye. It looked like it was hand-made from beads and string. Qutee was not the kind of droid who cared for the "finer things in life." She preferred simple, humbly made things of beauty. She realized, however, that she had no money to pay for it. Oh well, she thought. D-Squad had stolen things before, like that Separatist encryption module, and this seemed like a victimless crime to her, so she quietly and discreetly snitched a big, red-beaded necklace from the rack with one of her droid hands, and concealed it in her cylindrical droid frame. She figured that her body would protect the necklace from being detected by an alarm system, and she was right, as she wheeled out of the gift shop.

Qutee then proceeded to walk around the City Museum and see what there was to explore. Suddenly, a class full of schoolchildren on a field trip spotted her, and they became excited at the opportunity to have fun with a droid. Qutee was surprised. It was as if these kids did know what a droid was, saying that she looked a lot like R2-KT of the 501st Legion. Wait a minute! How did they know about Artoo-Katie? It's like some people had heard of her kind here, while others hadn't. Nevertheless, she appreciated the adoring attention of these kids, and decided to spend some time with them. Hey, maybe their teacher could even help she and her friends to get back home if she was nice enough.

* * *

And that's how Qutee-Katie became a member of the elementary school's fourth grade. The enthusiastic kids showed her around the elaborate museum, showing her all the fun stuff. On the first floor, she explored the Enchanted Caves with them, using her spotlight to make it easier to see, which impressed several of the girls. After figuring out that Qutee had feminine programming, in fact, the girls took an especially strong liking to her. She and the kids looked at the water exhibits and the fish and other animals that swam in them. Qutee filmed her experiences as they went along and saved some data she collected on the fish and turtles and other water animals. She even kept the kids company on the mezzanine at Samwiches, even though she herself couldn't eat a thing. The children, of course, assisted her with going up the stairs, seeing as she had no rocket boosters on her legs.

The World Aquarium, in particular, was a sight for short circuits in Qutee's opinion. It even included some animals that were not water-based. In fact, there were too many things she saw with the kids to be named here, but she enjoyed every one of them, and she stored her film of the whole experience with gusto. She couldn't wait to show it to Artoo and the other members of D-Squad. Ordinarily, Qutee wasn't much of a history buff, but the Natural History Museum was quite interesting, too. Everything from the fossilized bones to the doorknobs made of gems amazed her eyes.

* * *

Finally, they reached the top of the City Museum. The children were begging her to try out some of the rides with them.

"Whoa, look, it's the bus!" "I want some ice cream!" "Let's go ride the ferris wheel," they were all shouting at once. It was hard for Qutee to keep up, so she beeped and trilled for them to slow down, please.

"Hey, Katie," one of the girls said, (for so they were calling her), "You'll love this place. It's so exciting! Let's go ride the school bus first!"

The other kids became very excited. "And then, after that," said one of the boys, "I know you'll love the ferris wheel. It's so cool!"

Qutee waved back and forth from foot to foot, a mech droid's way of showing she was excited.

"And then, after that, we'll all take a ride down the big slide back to the bottom floor!" cheered a couple other kids.

Qutee warbled enthusiastically and agreed to try all these things. At first, everyone, including Qutee, was too distracted to hear the sound of rocket boosters from somewhere nearby. Qutee rolled alongside the children to the bus.

Suddenly, another droid's familiar beeping was heard. They all turned, and Artoo-Detoo popped up in front of Qutee!

Qutee said "hello" to Artoo, saying that he was missing all the fun, but Artoo hollered in Binary: "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, QUTEE? WE SHOULD BE EXPLORING THE CITY, NOT WASTING TIME PLAYING IN A PLAYGROUND WITH KIDS!"

"BUT I AM EXPLORING THE CITY, ARTOO!" protested Qutee.

"Hey, it's Artoo-Detoo!" shouted a boy excitedly. "Can you play with us, too?"

Artoo shocked the boy with his electric shocker, his way of saying, "BUZZ OFF, KID!"

"HEY, DON'T DO THAT TO MY FRIENDS!" said Qutee indignantly.

"D-SQUAD ARE YOUR FRIENDS, QUTEE," said Artoo, "NOW COME ON! WE'LL ESCAPE THROUGH THIS SLIDE!"

"HEY, ARTOO! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Qutee said as they went down. Many of the kids followed in a mass of human bodies coming down the slide at once. Their teacher tried to stop them, but it was too late.

"REALLY, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" said Qutee in Binary as they went down, "I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, ARTOO!"

"Please, Artoo," said the kids, trying to grab him and Qutee, "Listen to her! Come and play with us, too!"

"NO, QUTEE! UGH! WE'RE ON A MISSION! THERE'S NO TIME FOR FUN AND GAMES RIGHT NOW!" said Artoo.

"NO REALLY, I WAS GOING TO ASK THEM FOR HELP AS SOON AS OUR FUN WAS OVER!" Qutee beeped.

"Please, Artoo, Qutee? Please?" said the kids as they approached the bottom of the slide.

"ARTOO! I'M SURE THEY CAN HELP US ESCAPE THIS PLANET!" said Qutee desperately. "THEY'VE HEARD OF US DROIDS BEFORE, AND SOMEONE WHO KNOWS US IS MORE LIKELY TO HELP US THAN SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT!"

But once they were at the bottom of the slide, Artoo knocked Qutee out of it, and bumped her relentlessly from behind, urging her to go forward and out of the City Museum.

"How can they do this?" cried the kids. "We thought Artoo would want to have fun with all of us _Star Wars_ fans!" One girl broke into tears.

* * *

"I WAS IN THE NICK OF TIME. YOU WERE LETTING YOURSELF GET DISTRACTED BY THOSE SILLY KIDS," said Artoo, still butting Qutee from behind.

"THEY WERE NOT DISTRACTING ME," said Qutee.

"YES, THEY WERE, YOU WERE IN TERRIBLE PERIL BACK THERE!" Artoo insisted.

"LOOK, WHY DON'T _YOU_ DO SOME EXPLORING FOR A WHILE?" insisted Qutee back, "I'LL GO BACK IN THERE, AND FACE THE SO-CALLED 'PERIL.'"

"NO, IT'S TOO PERILOUS!" said Artoo firmly.

Finally giving in to Artoo's stubbornness, Qutee joined him in rolling away from the City Museum, but she continued to protest. "YOU HAVE THE STRANGEST IDEAS OF WHAT'S PERILOUS, ARTOO. AT LEAST I HAD _SOME_ FUN IN THERE BEFORE YOU BUTTED IN. YOU SHOULD SEE THE FILM I GOT OF THAT AMAZING PLACE!"

"MAYBE ANOTHER TIME," said Artoo, "IN THE MEANTIME, WE NEED TO GET A BETTER FEEL FOR THIS CITY AND FIND SOMEONE WHO _REALLY_ WILL HELP US GET BACK HOME. NOW, COME ON."

"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE _REALLY_ RUN INTO PERIL, ARTOO. WE FACED PERIL ON ABAFAR AND THAT SEPARATIST DREADNOUGHT," said Qutee.

"I KNOW THAT," said Artoo.

"I'LL BET YOU'RE A SOURPUSS," said Qutee.

"I AM NOT," said Artoo, playfully dousing her dome with a spray of water.


End file.
